I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
You Might Also Like
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Google Pay be like:
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac