Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
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Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
A tragic love story in two pictures.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I wish I were this cool 😂
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.