Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
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So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies