I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.