I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
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You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Free him
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.