Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Watson was Holmes schooled
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣