You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
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I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.