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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.