“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
You Might Also Like
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so