a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
gentlemen, hear me out
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.