Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
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Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Spotted in New Orleans.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
OMG 🤣🤣
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.