[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
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Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work