I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
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*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters