babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.