My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
(True)
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.