Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
🍛
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
adam and eve had first world problems
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.