I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
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Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?