I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
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Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep