People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.