Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 馃檪
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
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What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Whenever 袉 wake up and see that someone has wr褨tten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, 袉 assume they are a morn褨ng dr褨nker.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT鈥橲 GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I鈥橪L NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY鈥攐h, here it is.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let鈥檚 do a silly one
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Why don鈥檛 you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
If your nose ain鈥檛 running and your eyes ain鈥檛 crying, it鈥檚 not a good curry!
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they鈥檒l die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It鈥檚 kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Sucks how every girl I鈥檓 interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.