As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
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Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
handsome & gretel
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living