My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
The glory of fall.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?