Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me irl
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.