That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.