sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
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despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Seems legit
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever