Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
12653.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.