Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
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My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.