I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
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I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder