Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
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imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??