Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?