I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.