Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
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Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
#inspiration #foodforthought
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves