me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You Might Also Like
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth