[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms