My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
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CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty