Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
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They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I saw this ending much differently.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.