All. The. Damn. Time.
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.