pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
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So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
im 7 sauces long
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.