Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
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Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
WHO DID THIS?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Good morning.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.