“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one