I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
dads on road-trips be like
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf