if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.