Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
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[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Beware of fowl play.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
your honor my client chooses dare
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it