Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
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The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.