Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas