Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
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Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Good morning y’all ☀️
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk