I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
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1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?