Mountain Goat : )
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Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
my sentiments exactly
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My blood type is coffee.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor