*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
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Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.