My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
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What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I’ve had worse
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”